Funny oneliner jokes

A balanced diet is a taco in both hands.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear and now he has pickled hearing.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A man walks into a bar and orders a stiff drink. I gave him a glass of ice.

A strawberry growing friend’s fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. They make smoothies.

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

Candy is natures way of making up for mondays.

Don’t eat someone else’s cheesy chips. They’re nachos.

Don’t tell me to stop eating so many tacos. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff.

Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.

Every time I take a drink from a bottle, it keeps pouring back. Must be spring water.

Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.

Going to a recycling party this weekend. The invite said to bring a bottle.

Grain farmers have a tough life. They barley survive from wheat to wheat.

Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa.

Ham and eggs - A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious. I told him he had zero proof.

I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot. Fortunately it was a soft drink.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I canteloupe.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I eat cake everyday because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere out there and I like celebrating it.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I had Mediterranean food for breakfast, now I falafel.

I have always admired fishermen. They are reel men.

I have the best pancake mix! No, mine is batter!

I just stepped on a cornflake. Now I'm officially a cereal killer.

I know it’s early, but I’m already thinking about tacos.

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies. Everything else is just gravy!

I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people.

I missed the documentary on TV on how they make tomato sauce...I guess I’ll have to watch it on ketch up.

I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.

I pick fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon.

I planted some root vegetables in my yard. We'll see what turnips.

I pour maple syrup over my essays. Because they're 100% waffle.

I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle.....it became herby (Herbie).

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

I thought I was drowning in Sprite, but it was only a Fanta sea.

I tried experimenting with spices the other day. Turned out to be a waste of thyme.

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. That place was giving me the crêpes...

I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it was more of a wrap.

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

If a parsley farmer is sued...could they garnish his wages?

If a turkey runs away, does that make it a chicken?

If I have to hear any more jokes about soy sauce. I will Kikkoman!

If someone asks for help in the herb garden, you can certainly give advice if you have Thyme.

If tomatoes are fruit...that means ketchup is a smoothie.

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

If you can drink away your hurt, it must have been champagne.

If you have a pickle problem, the best way is to just dill with it.

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

Life is like an onion. You peel off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.

Life is short, eat the cake.

Like a bear drinking honey from a bee hive, I’m getting really buzzed.

Liquor might not solve all your problems, but it’s worth a shot.

Live every day like it’s taco tuesday.

My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food. Sushi left me.

My mom always makes the pancakes too thin...I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my glass half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

My sister went on a crash diet. Is that why she looks a wreck?

My wife has a beautiful face like a flower! A cauliflower!

Our kitchen is so small we can only use condensed milk.

Oyster jokes are so funny I almost pulled a mussel.

Potatoes make french fries, chips and vodka. It's like the other vegetables are not even trying.

So, I went up to my friend who just fought me and said, "I stole your cookie, but I falafel!"

Some kid just threw a bottle of milk and a block of cheese at me. How dairy!

Someone bought maple syrup for me. I thought it was pretty sappy.

The best way to make gold soup is to add 22 carrots.

The first thing on my bucket list? To fill the bucket with wine.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

The Italian chef who died, he pasta way.

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.

The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.

There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water. Number one. And number two.

Thought I’d purchase a tall herb plant but actually turned out to be tiny. No big dill.

Today I went to an Indian restaurant and asked for bread. They told me they had naan.

Vegans need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits....the last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

Vodka may not be the answer, but it’s worth a shot.

What if soy milk...is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.

When shopping for cheese, I always ask myself: “To brie, or not to brie?”

Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter. I like to play Muffin Roulette.

You be my sweet potato, and I’ll be your spud muffin.

You look absolutely radishing.

You say you make a great caesar salad, but that romaines to be seen.