Funny oneliner jokes

Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa.

Ham and eggs - A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious. I told him he had zero proof.

I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot. Fortunately it was a soft drink.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I canteloupe.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I eat cake everyday because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere out there and I like celebrating it.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I had Mediterranean food for breakfast, now I falafel.

I have always admired fishermen. They are reel men.

I have the best pancake mix! No, mine is batter!

I just stepped on a cornflake. Now I'm officially a cereal killer.

I know it’s early, but I’m already thinking about tacos.

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies. Everything else is just gravy!

I love being a butcher. It makes it easy to meat people.